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JAX
Chess News G-d Bless America The editor Bradley Zang would like you to know that some of these stories are so unbelievable even he doesn't believe them. Strange Chess News
Archived Issues -
Part 1 The Jacksonville, Florida (USA) area has a very
active chess club,
and publish an interesting and informative newsletter, called the
JAX
Chess News, edited and written by
Bradley Zang (Editor's note: I've never actually met Brad, nor seen
his ID, so I can not vouch that this is his real name. It could be an
alias used by anyone - even Bobby Fischer!) With Brad's (or
whomever's) kind permission, we bring you the Strange Chess News
section from their awesome newsletter. Enjoy!
Morrigan Queens Gambit
The Druids say great heros are only conceived by a darkness that hovers like a plague over the land. Some suggest a writer and chess player Jonathan Swift, conceived during the worst black plague episode in Europe's history (born 1667 - died 1745) was a true druid hero. It is recorded the two chess opponents Johnathan Swift and Lord Mountjoy (The Mountjoys were a family of alchemists, their real name was Blount.) in the winter of 1712 spent an evening at Montjoy's home. Lord Mountjoy, as a lark, decided to try an opening recommended by a whisperous Gaelic speaking house guest, (the Morrigan Opening.) Morrigan {Queen of Sorcerers} It is said Swift won, and that night the allegorical opus Gullivers Travels (published 1726) came to Swift in a dream. Others claim Morrigan was more likely to have inspired Swift as an Irish champion to criticize, British rule with the macabre classic, A Modest Proposal. (published 1729). In it he suggests the Irish should eat their children.)
Most prefer to believe the former. Gullivers Travels foretold the
discovery of two satellites of Mars, Deimos and Phobos, 150 years before the
equipment was invented to see them. Here is the prophetic quote about
Lilliputian scientists in Gullivers Travels "have likewise discovered two
lesser stars, or satellites, which revolve around Mars, whereof the
innermost is distant from the center of the primary planet exactly three of
its diameters, and the outermost five; the former revolves in the space of
ten hours, and the latter in twenty one and a half..." Gullivers Travels
also foretold of the stock rocketing of Yahoo whose leadership may be worse
then the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and of cities that move like ships
across the sky. If information mining is what Yahoo is all about
because knowledge is power then Gullivers Travels to some is the mother
load. I was born and raised in Limerick. I'm a modern man. I play internet chess. One day three months ago while playing on Yahoo Games, I set up a table for a one hour game. I expected to wait a long time, when some one with the screen name Orthostat asked to play. I was going to boot him from the table because he was unrated, and I didn't want to lose many points on my rating. But since I didn't expect many long time control players I gave him a shot. I played black. I like to play reciprocal pawn opening, so when my opponent played the Queens gambit against me I had no problem. I thought it was an obscure form of the Kraus attack, so I decided to vary from the book. I had a very hard time of it, but just managed to get a draw after 90 moves. Othostat asked to play again but I declined not wanting to lose any more points. It didn't matter anyway I was soon disconnected from the net by one of our frequent Brown outs.
That night I had a dream that a beautiful woman visited me. She said,
"it was time to choose another champion." The next day I went to the
same Yahoo game site and set up a table. Orthostat asked to play but I
booted him. We then had another brown out. When I finally got my
machine up a message written on the screen saver as a background picture
said August 26 we must meet. That night the beautiful blond woman
visited me in my dream and told me her name was Morrigan, that I had played
her queens gambit so well I could become her apprentice. That we had
to meet and play a game at midnight on August 26 at nearby Lough Gur.
I asked, "Where in Lough Gur? I played there as a child. It is a
big place." She said "let stone Orthostat 47 be where we play our
game." I checked with the local tourist guides about Orthostat 47. One told me what it was, and of its fame. It was a stone that seemed to have a picture of the moon on it, made thousands of year ago. Many of its features were correct and not visible to the naked eye. I thought cute, but not scary, but, that morning I read in the paper that Mars was going to be at its closest with earth in 60,000 years. When I arrived Midnight on August 26 the woman in my dream appeared with eleven other cloaked dark figures. My dream girl had the bluest eyes I ever saw they were kind of transparent like a puppy's. She then set up the board and started playing me a game of chess. Morrigan claimed to be an elder of the astrological sect of druids called the dribians. The queens gambit she played was a test. A test of inspiration to become her knight. For her knight would be victorious in their fight against the yahoos. I told her I though she was hot. One of the cloaked figures then placed a crystal on a stone which he claimed would use the light from Mars shining between two stones to guide me. I was surprised when the whole area lit up with holograms of our solar system. I started to have visions or maybe I was daydreaming. Visions about a battle between humans with metal heads and real people, about an EM pulse weapon developed to kill the metal head and about a Google Stock offering to help defeat the Yahoos. Morrigan then said "I will give you the knowledge of the ancients, and you shall be our champion if you win." I asked her, "if we could go skinny dipping later after some drinks." She said, " you shall have the power of prophecy through astronomy even greater that of Swift's." I said, "OK but You don't need to wear the robe."
Anyway, I got no response from her and lost interest in the game.
Finally I blundered and lost that same strange Queens Gambit Kraus attack.
I soon fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning everyone was gone.
Has anyone else had this problem? Also since then I haven't been able
to get a date.
Reverse Re-incarnation
Reported Reverse re-incarnation assumes time is not unidirectional, a belief we have because we haven't observed non-linear time yet. Yes even of those past life memories people report to remember under hypnosis may be future lives. Oh! Have you ever thought of a new idea, then suddenly remember someone saying that exact idea to you? What is that all about? With this Background let Tomas Moerk tell his story. "I've been a hypnotist for 45 years now. I've helped all types of people over eaters, smokers even people with phobias working here in my native Norway. Did you know Freud only invented free association because he didn't know how to hypnotize people. He even flip flopped on his belief in the validity of recessed memories. Since my childhood I've been involved in chess. Many chessophrenetics in Europe come to me for help. A gentlemen even once paid me to try an hypnotize Viktor Korchnoi in a match with Karpov. He wanted me to get Korchnoi into a trance during a game to help Korchnoi sleep, but for some reason they wouldn't let me in the room that the game was going on.
Anyway I had a patient suffering from chessomania some 40 years ago. I
can not give his name for ethical reasons. I shall call him Patient
Alpha. I tried everything snapping my fingers, slapping him, throwing cold water on his face but nothing worked. Finally I put a chess board in front of him and placed his hand on each piece. He started calling out moves not looking at the board. Soon I was playing him chess only he always beat me. We discussed many thing during the next 14 hours of playing chess. Then my patient opened his eyes and said he didn't remember what happened in our session. About a year ago I heard my friend Patient Alpha died. I believe his obsession with chess never went away, but it did help him eventually to become a master. Two months ago while playing on US Chess Live a chat window popped up. The other person chatting with me claimed to be patient Alpha. I played along asking him personal questions. I said, "But you've been dead over a year now!" He claimed, the Lebnitizians of Chess downloaded his consciousness into a computer that had access to the Web and US Chess Live. I said, " Prove you are my patient." He recited some of the games we played. I said that "proved nothing some of our games are even published." He then said, "Write something bizarre to him." So I wrote "the Black bishop is always stronger than the White bishop." Suddenly I remembered patient Alpha while in a trance said those exact words to me. This happened several other times. What ever bizarre thought popped into my mind that I typed into the chat box, I then remembered patient Alpha saying to me during his trance. Even questions I asked, I suddenly remembered he asked. Later I checked my notes taken during our session 40 years ago. Those were the quotes I jotted down. I thought he was reciting gibberish at the time. He then said "Get me out of this computer. We have been changing the time line just by our conversation. I have many past lives. Tell the Leibnitzians I have many past lives I will change the timeline to something hideous if you don't let me out of here." Since the Jax Chess
News has already reported on the Leibnitzians of chess I thought you could
help get the word out to them." Retro Temporal Testing Reported It has been proposed that drug efficacy research in the future might best be tested through retro temporal testing on death row inmates. The basic idea being if a person on death row will be executed in say, 10 years, then a formula can be communicated, say from 50 years in the future, to a chrono-crony working in a pharmaceutical company that oversees the Mental Observation Ward (MO) operating in that prison. (Chrono-cronies are people willing to do anything for a chance at being known as the first to invent something. Some believed they communicate with the future through certain Websites set up in the future that also exist in the present.) When the formula is added to the medication of the inmate, those in the future instantly know the results of the next 10 years, complete with detailed results of the autopsy. Do Note: Chess in prisons is here to stay. Prison chess programs have been shown to reduce recidivism. (It seems to have worked for Heidi Fleiss.) It may also be a way of finding the most intelligent subjects for Retro Temporal Testing. Oh! One more, thing: Never Laugh after you win a game. IT GETS PEOPLE ANGRY. With this background let a man who wants only to be referred to as 7352 tell his story. "It was 1992, I was confined to a Maryland Correctional Adjustment Center in Baltimore, for embezzling money from a business I started. I hadn't played chess since my childhood but there is not a lot to do in prison. I believe I was chosen as a test subject for a new psychotropic medication developed to reduce anger, because, I was such a strong player in our prison chess club. I would have rejected their offer but they promised me extra conjugal visits with my wife Claudia, and, I missed her very much. I was the strongest player, except for one man who was not allowed out of his cell on death row, to play other players. We only knew him as inmate 33444. About 20 of the chess players would play Prisoner 33444 at the same time. We were told he was playing blindfolded. We would all call out our moves on twenty boards, to the guard, who would write them down and walk the corridor to the death row ward. He would then read the move to the prisoner who called out his moves. We never got to see the man who always beat us. I never got angry at losing a game unless my opponent laughed at me, but for some reason whenever I lost the simul I felt like someone was laughing. After the simul games our group would meditate to get rid of the anger associated with losing and take our medication. I never really had much of a problem with my anger, but, other members of our club started getting into minor skirmishes with other inmates. So, our chess club was suspended from meeting for a while. The next year they brought in an expert in transcendental meditation Yogi Master Fal allowing our group to play and meditate under his guidance. It worked; We all started to become model prisoners. We started playing simuls again this time no one had any problems but of coarse we still lost. The yogi was even given permission to visit Prisoner 33444. Our Yogi Fal even got 33444 to meditate at the same time we did. It was wonderful, almost all the skirmishes stopped in the prison for over a month. Our Yogi called it the Maharishi Effect. (Just a small percent of the people meditating could stop violence because we are all linked through a quantum-mechanical consciousness field in someway.) Well there was one skirmish over a rumor in the cafeteria. Some prisoners claimed their wives were disguising themselves as other people's wives and going on conjugal visits to the wrong prisoners, even prisoner barred from such visits, but it was just some yelling. Then Yogi Fal told our group that 7000 of the finest meditators led by a mathematician name John Hagelin were coming to nearby Washington in June to try and use the meditation techniques we used, to suppress anger in the entire city of Washington DC area. He also told us since we were so close to DC (40 miles) we could join in. I remember for seven weeks we played the simul and meditated constantly. To everyone's surprise the murder rate in DC reached an all time high that summer. Our chess club was suddenly closed for no reason and the meds were stopped. Except for prisoner 33444, the members of our chess club were all soon released as ideal prisoners. About nine years later we were told prisoner 33444 was executed. When our paroles were up we started corresponding. I must tell you the chess seemed to have worked. None of us went back to jail. We all still played chess. We taught our children to play chess. We even had a reunion, during the reunion I noticed all the children were playing chess. I remember thinking how weird it was that all the kids had the same type of pug shaped nose. One kid who was playing a blindfolded simul against all of the other kids turned to me and said "Those in the future think we can't hurt them." He won all the games. Please investigate??" This
just in!!! There are reports from Sunday's Miami Herald that the
Guantanamo Bay detainees are 'very good at chess' and want to start a club.
Does this mean they can join the USCF for less than regular members can?
Time Loss Reported Scientists estimate over a ton of extra terrestrial biological material falls to earth everyday. It has been suggested the Himalayas where the stratosphere is thinnest is the easiest spot for these bacteria, viruses or what-ever to survive the heat due to friction on entering our atmosphere. Also the great Arab historian Abul Hasan Ali Al-Masudi (10th century) made a macabre observation about the royal game, "When the Indians play at chess they wager stuffs and precious stones... But it sometimes happens that a player will wager one of his limbs. For this, they set beside the players a small copper vessel over a wood fire, in which is placed a reddish ointment peculiar to the country, which has the property of healing wounds and stanching the flow of blood... If the man who wagered one of his fingers loses, then cuts off the finger with a dagger and plunges his hand in the ointment to cauterize the wound." With this background let Jack Gyori tell his story. Thank you for hearing my story; no one else would. I was born in Budapest but I travel all around Europe to watch my favorite sport, chess. I am a jeweler and make a good living at it. I also trade in antiquities; so when a German dealer of rare artifacts who only identified himself as Magnus wrote me he was willing to sell a 12th century Viking chess piece I was delighted. We decided to meet incognito on May 27 at the XXXIII International Grandmaster Tournament in Sarajevo Bosnia. ( The Hotel Saraj). Why there? I think he had another buyer who played in the tournament. When we met I had recognized him from his description of his corpulent eggplant shape. I was shown the piece. It was in excellent condition. We then agreed on the price. The sale was to be completed in an hour as I waited for a bank draft to be delivered. Magnus decided to clean up in his hotel room. I preferred to watch the games. So here I was watching these two great players Bareev and Radjabov going at it in the 9th Round, when a bony ashen skinned well dressed middle aged gentleman sat next to me with a book. He then opened the book and inside a cavity (cut into the book) I saw a finger. I then look around and no one is in the tournament room. The tournament had been over for three hours. I called Magnus who said the chess piece is missing and would not make any deals with me anymore. Just before leaving on my flight home a fair green eyed gypsy woman asked if I wanted my palm read. I gave her five dollars as a lark. She then said, "something bad was going to happen to me" but "she could say a prayer for me and light a candle. The prayer was free but the candle cost 30 dollars." I told her I was wise to that snooker. If she wanted 30 bucks she had to tell me something more interesting then that. She said you play chess don't you. Then she told me a story she claimed was related to her by a great grand mother, who got it from an ancestor who felt scorned. This story was too much of a coincidence so I gave her the money. She said, "One of the greatest chess players in India, a Warlock named Kunwar Ashrudra, born of the high cast Twice Born in India attained great wealth and power, through his familiar ( a pet, spirit, imp) named Sushim. Sushim was first found by Kunwar when out of curiosity Kunwar touched a tiny trident shaped iridescent puddle in the snow while on a sacred pilgrimage to the Kedarnath temple in the Himalayas. The puddle disappeared on touch as his finger swelled to twice its size. Sushim who was adsorbed into the finger eventually learned how to communicate with Kunwar. At first Kunwar was scared when his finger had swelled and his eyes turned green. Sushim soon explained that he was a parasite not of this world and needed to be fed by small amounts of blood by sucking the finger he had attached to. Sushim out of a sense of honor wanted to barter for further feedings. Kunwar had many sons and one shy beautiful daughter Fulmala who liked to play in the gardens of his great estate in the Kangra valley. One day a handsome spry man Taru Panchama a member of the lowest cast an (untouchable) got a glimpse of her as he attended to the gardening at a nearby cemetery. Ingenuity, on rare occasions allows even the most forbidden of loves to overcome the great walls society puts up. For months just as the sun was about to set, Taru would entertain Fulmala by using his hands from his work place in the cemetery on the hill, to make shadow puppets dance amongst the flowers in her garden. Fulmala always giggled with delight at the entertainment. For most untouchables this would be enough but Taru hoped he could get Fulmala's father to overlook his lowly status as a suitor for his daughter by becoming a great chess player. Taru studied chess all the time. One day he secretly followed Kunwar into town hoping to engage him in a chess game. He risked a great deal by this as an untouchable wasn't even allowed to touch a member of higher caste’s shadow. When Taru approached a nearby Inn Kunwar hastily scurried out the backdoor hitching a large bag to his horse. Taru inside the inn was startled to see all the patrons as if frozen in time. While looking around he tripped over a persons leg that felt more like a steel bar. Then he fell and knocked over a shelf containing books. One book opened on the floor and spewed out a fortune in jewels. It was a box disguised as an ornate book. He took the loot, quickly left, went to another town bought clothes and land. It was two years before he saw the china dolls face and almond shaped green eyes of Fulmala again. Her father had brought her to the Taru's town hoping she would help him pick out the most innocent of slave girls for purchase. Taru struck up a conversation with Kunwar during a slave auction and then invited him back to a tavern to play chess. Taru had become a great player and won all of the games. They drank together got drunk and Taru finally got the courage to blurt out, "If I were of the lowest birth but loved your daughter with all my heart, what would it take to get your daughter in matrimony?" Kunwar said, “ a wager over a chess game would do it.” Taru asked “how much.” Kunwar said “I get all the money I can ever use just by a wave of my finger. The wager would be for a finger.” Kunwar went on “ you could substitute the win of a finger for my daughter in marriage.” Taru agreed. Kunwar called his daughter in to watch and every time Taru at first was winning but Fulmala beauty distracted him. Taru then in endgame made a blunder and lost the game. Taru could have welched on the bet. He could have run but he knew, he would then never be able to play for Fulmala again. Taru resolute chopped his finger off with an axe. Fulmala then let slip an ill-timed giggle. Taru then demanded a second game. Kunwar agreed and played this time Taru played better and won. Kunwar said you won you may have my daughter. Taru stood up and said I prefer your finger with those words he chopped off the giant finger of Kunwar. Kunwar died of shock. Taru took the finger and left. Fulmala felt very insulted. It is said the familiar parasite still suckles that finger doing the bidding of who ever owns the finger and is willing to feed it with his blood." After hearing this story I knew you guys would be interested.
The JCN would like to make one comment. This is not the first report of time
loss during games. Others have reported that while watching games the colors
even players have switched instantly. We have no explanation. |
The Chessville
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