Dateline:  February 25, 2007, Los Angeles, CA
 

Bambi:  Oh Candi, I am so excited about this special assignment.  It has been a long time since we were contacted by The International Chessoid to do a story.

Candi:  Oh Bambi, I am excited, too.  Can you imagine - The Queen has won an Oscar - for Best Actress, no less.  By the way, did you check with our bank to see if those funds TIC wired to us are good?

Bambi:  Oh - we're on!  Hello World!  Here we are, live from backstage at the Academy Awards where we're on special assignment for that fabulous international chess news tabloid, The International Chessoid!!!  As everyone has no doubt heard by now, The Queen has won an Oscar!  Now how fabulous is that?  We're here to interview her - oh there she is now - Helen - Helen -

Helen Mirren:  Oh, hello, who are you?

Candi:  We're the Fabulous Las Vegas Showgirls, Bambi Darlin and Candi Kane, broadcasting LIVE for The International Chessoid.

HM:  Oh, well, that's nice girls.  Have a good time tonight but stay away from the domestic champagne - nasty stuff.

Bambi:  Your Majesty, can you tell our audience, did you have a particular strategy going into the end game for winning the Oscar?

HM:  End game?

Candi:  Yes, you know, when there's hardly any pieces left and there is a lot of groaning, head clutching, hair pulling and visits to the rest-room going on and the only ones paying attention to the board are the amateurs following along on the internet.  Oh, and let me say how glad we are you won, your Majesty.  It's about time The Queen got her just due!

HM:  Visits to the rest-room - 

Bambi:  Oh yes, there was a scandal, well, it wasn't really a scandal, it was more of a quasi-scandal because of course nothing was proven, there were only some nasty insinuations made and with the internet these days, well, you know how these things spread.  There was no evidence, though, of cheating.  Not really.

Candi:  What?  Cheating - never say so!  Oh, Bambi, that's horrible - someone was cheating in the men's room!

Bambi:  Oh Candi, I see you are behind on your reading again.  That is really old news - everyone's heard about -

HM:  Cheating in the men's room?  Good heavens - are you saying that now men are smuggling women into men's rooms in order to grab a quickie?  Here, at the Academy Awards?

Bambi:  Well, you know, boys will be boys.  People find time to get together in the strangest places but - no, we were talking about the World Chess Championship match between -

HM:  Chess?  But I'm afraid I don't know anything about the game girls, sorry.  And now, if you're excuse me -

Candi:  WAIT!  Er, just another moment, your Majesty.  We would just like to say that on behalf of fair-minded chessplayers everywhere, we think it is about time The Queen got recognized for her enormous contribution.  Why, chess wouldn't be half the game it is today without The Queen!

HM:  Well, thank you - and I thank the chessplayers.  My goodness, I had no idea I had fans who are chessplayers.  I'm very happy to have won this prestigious award.

Candi:  Oh yes, your Majesty.  You are greatly loved - and probably scare the pants off lots of fans too.  There's no one more powerful than The Queen, after all, particularly when she's in a bad mood, like suffering from PMS.

HM:  Er, PMS - 

Bambi:  Candi!  Now is not the time to talk about Pawn Mating Strategy.  We just think you're fabulous, your Majesty, and you have such a great sense of humor - having so many chessplayer fans, ha ha ha!  You are The Queen, after all.  You have hundreds of thousands of fans, all around the world.  We just love that The Queen is the most powerful piece on the chessboard, don't we Candi.  And lots of men love it too.

Candi:  Ooooooohhhh, they sure do.  Some guys really get turned on by a dominating woman.  Well, you know, in Las Vegas, you can hire Chesse Zonal, I've heard she is the highest paid Dominatrix in the city.  Players come from all over the world just to get a taste of her whip -

HM:  Good heavens!  What newspaper did you say you represent?

Bambi:  The International Chessoid.  Oh, it's won dozens of Baloney of the Year Awards - very prestigious.

Candi:  And very exclusive - it's only published now once in a blue moon, since practically all the staff have won Pulitizers and Noble Prizes and things like that, they're all busy doing other projects and making tons of money, so everyone waits with baited breath for the next Chessoid to appear, which is practically never!

Bambi:  Candi, not Noble Prizes, Nobel Prizes - Nobel!

Candi:  You say Nobel, I say Noble, you say Hobbit -

Bambi:  I say Lorena Bobbit - ha ha ha ha ha!

HM:  All right, thank you very much, girls, I really do have to run along now.  Ta ta, and give my kind regards to the chess fans.

Candi:  And there you have it, Chessoid fans, an interview with the one, the only, The Queen!  I do have to say, Bambi, I think the House of  Staunton really outdid itself designing her gown for this event.  It's gorgeous!  Did you notice - all those little sparkles on her gown are actually miniscule knights and bishops!

Bambi:  Oh yes!  I expect $19.99 knock-offs will be seen in all Wal-Marts by tomorrow morning - but you know, they probably won't have the miniscule knights and bishops on them.  Such a shame.  This is Bambi Darlin and Candi Kane saying - good night - and Good Knight!

Candi:  Ooooohhhh, yes!  I just love a Good Knight, don't you -