Copyright R Canter 2000

This story appeared in the January 2005 issue of CHESS monthly.
It is reproduced here with the kind permission of the editor.

Dramatis Personae:

Thompson A notorious eccentric
Mrs Thompson Thompson’s wife
Jumbo Pratt The chess club joker
Arnold Pratt (deceased) Jumbo’s great grandfather
Albert A stuffed turtle
Scruffy A prisoner
and A milkman, a bus driver, a curator and two large police officers

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Christmas Eve commenced with yet another portent of doom for Thompson.  For the last two weeks he had been communicating by note with his milkman about that worthy tradesman’s failure to remove empty milk bottles from his doorstep.  Thompson’s last missive had been particularly acrimonious, with a decidedly negative attitude towards the milkman’s customary annual gratuity.  But that morning Thompson opened his front door in a spirit of gaiety and anticipation.  The chess club’s Christmas party was scheduled for that very evening, with the promise of alcoholic beverages, mince pies, paper hats, blitz chess, entertainment by the lady members and other delights too numerous to mention.  His mood was then deflated when he saw through his porch door a sea of milk bottles stretching, if not as far as the eye could see, then at least all the way down his path to the front gate.

Refusing to be downcast by this unexpected sight, Thompson opened the porch door, intending to pick his way through the bottles and continue to work as normal.  He was fully confident that his resourceful wife would handle the problem before he returned.  This would be a small matter compared with some of the situations she had been accustomed to deal with during her eventful marriage.  It was at this point that fate dealt our hero another physical blow which had repercussions on his chess-playing activities.  Although the milkman later admitted to placing the bottles on the pathway, he adamantly denied balancing on top of the porch door the bottle which fell and bounced off Thompson’s head as he stepped out.  Whoever was responsible, the result was that Thompson boarded his bus carrying an empty milk bottle in one hand, with two more bottles stuffed into the pockets of his overcoat and a silly smile on his face.  If it had been anyone else, eyebrows would have been raised and comments would have been passed, but as it was Thompson there was no reaction from his fellow commuters who carried on with their conversations, newspapers and crosswords.

Twenty minutes later the bus pulled into the central bus station and all the passengers except Thompson alighted.  He remained seated, gazing straight in front of him until the driver shook him by the shoulder, whereupon he jumped up with a shout and was swiftly and skillfully ejected from the bus in a manner born of previous experience.  Thompson then made his way to work in our local Town Hall, disposing of the milk bottles in a waste bin on the way.

Fortunately, as in most municipal offices, it was customary to do little or no work on Christmas Eve (did someone say "nor at any other time?") and so there was ample opportunity for me to listen to and note Thompson’s story as he related it to me.  He described it as a dream, something akin to an out-of-body experience, as though he was watching all the events from outside and above.  He vaguely remembered opening the door of his porch, then the fantasy started with scenes from the past being played out before his eyes, before moving on to events in the Town Hall on the day of the chess club party, and then to the chess club itself.

This was Thompson’s dream as I recorded it, and to avoid confusion I shall show the participants in italics.

Thompson watched as Jumbo Pratt, the chess club’s inveterate practical joker, set in motion one of his most complicated and ambitious stunts.  Just like Charles Dickens’ "A Christmas Carol", scenes developed before Thompson’s astonished eyes, for all the world like a scratchy old film.  The first tableau revealed Jumbo’s great grandfather Arnold, working in the kitchen of a local hotel.  Arnold’s hobby was taxidermy, and from his employment he had access to various subjects for his favourite leisure activity of stuffing dead animals.  Sometimes turtle soup was on the menu.  As this was a high-class establishment - The Imperial, no less - it was real turtle soup and the carcasses would pass into the eager hands of Jumbo’s ancestor.  As the hotel never had elephant soup on the menu he did not achieve his greatest ambition, but nevertheless he was more than happy to work with turtles.  After several tries he produced his masterpiece - a realistically vicious looking specimen with beady eyes and ferocious jaws.

Mercifully, during the scenes of bustling activity in a busy hotel kitchen there was no depiction of Arnold actually stuffing dead animals.  Then as Thompson looked on in his dream the location changed from the old Imperial Hotel to the present day.  The stuffed turtle, an impressive example of the taxidermist’s art, had been nicknamed Albert and became a family heirloom.  It eventually came into the possession of Jumbo who waited and planned for the right time to use it in one of his practical jokes.

&#Thompson then saw scenes of hilarious disruption in the Town Hall as Albert the stuffed turtle was carefully hidden then revealed by Jumbo, to the astonishment and alarm of various members of staff.  A particularly effective revelation occurred in the kitchenette, to the great surprise of some ladies who were busily engaged in the vital task of washing up teacups.  Never had such a rapid exodus been made from the kitchen, and never had so many cups been broken at the same time.  It was surpassed only by the hysterical flight of the telephonists from the switchboard room a few minutes later.  The City Treasurer was passing at the time and enquired what was going on.  Jumbo improvised hastily and told him an enormous mouse was at large, which seemed to satisfy him, and he passed on.  Thompson saw no sign of himself during these scenes.

The setting then changed to the chess club’s Christmas party, held in that centre of local cultural activity, the Museum and Art Gallery.  Thompson saw himself for the first time, playing a friendly game and contentedly munching a mince pie.  Little did he know that Albert had been secretly deposited by Jumbo on the table behind him, covered by somebody’s coat.  Jumbo was then seen to slip out to a public telephone and make a call to the local police, pretending to be a curator.  He reported that a suspicious looking individual, recognized as a member of the chess club, had misappropriated a valuable exhibit from the museum, namely an extremely rare specimen of the South American Snapping Turtle.  This person, probably some sort of maniac or drunkard as he was a chess club member, had been seen taking the turtle into the chess room and would the police kindly send two of their largest officers to retrieve it before it came to harm.  The exhibit was irreplaceable and rapid action was essential.  Jumbo gave a brief description of Thompson.

In the dream, Jumbo then returned quickly to the chess club festivities, secretly removed Albert’s covering and said "Hey, Thompson - what’s that behind you?"  Thompson looked round, and encountered Albert’s malignant gaze.  Not having been privy to Albert’s previous appearances (although he was vaguely aware of Jumbo having done things with a mouse that afternoon as part of his usual Christmas Eve pranks) Thompson was startled and jumped up from his chair.  At that point, Jumbo’s timing being perfect, two large plainclothes policemen entered the room, quickly recognised Thompson and uttered those time-honoured phrases, "Hey, you!" and "What’s goin’ on ’ere?"  Thompson then caught sight of Jumbo, who was unable to prevent a smirk spreading across his face, and realised that a jape was in progress.  Thinking that the policemen were some sort of stripagram as part of the Christmas celebrations, he entered into the spirit of things by grabbing Albert and making as if to strike the nearest policeman with him.

From that moment events in the dream sequence moved rapidly.  Thompson found himself in an armlock, propelled on tiptoe to a police car, driven at speed to the police station and thrown into a cell before he could catch his breath.

The cell contained only a table and chairs, two beds and another occupant lying on one of the beds, who totally ignored Thompson.  In accordance with police procedure, all of Thompson’s personal possessions had been confiscated, although by accident or design he still had his pocket chess set.  Having no other means of passing the time he sat down at the table, pulled out the chess set and began to move the pieces around.  At this stage his companion, an exceedingly hairy and unkempt individual, got up and came across to the table.  "Play chess, do yer?" he asked, rather superfluously, and when Thompson admitted to playing a little, immediately challenged him to a game.

Expecting to have to explain the rules, Thompson agreed to play his cellmate, whom he had mentally named Scruffy, and he was not surprised when his opponent’s first move as White was Pawn to Queen Rook four.  However after a few more moves he realised he had been overconfident as he found himself being bounced around the board in a rather strange game.  Scruffy delivered checkmate in forty moves, and then announced that he did not always open with that particular pawn.  Sometimes he started with the pawn on the other side of the board - perhaps Thompson would like to play against that opening move.  This was agreed to, and although our hero tried to play more carefully he was forced to resign after thirty three moves on being faced with mate by an artistic backward move of the Queen, or the loss of a piece.

At this point the cell door was flung open and Thompson was told that he was now free as there had been a misunderstanding.  Before leaving he just had time to bid Scruffy farewell and give him his chess set.  He didn’t know what he had done but he could only admire his chess-playing talent and it was Christmas after all.

It seemed (still in the dream) that Jumbo had felt rather guilty about the way his joke had developed, and had phoned the police to tell them that the whole thing was a prank.  They could check with the real curator if they wished to confirm this.  The police did check with the curator, who confirmed that the Museum had not reported a theft and had never possessed a South American Snapping Turtle.  However, if such a specimen did exist they would be very interested in acquiring it...........

The police were extremely disappointed at the way things had turned out as they had a long schedule of very novel charges to be brought against the unfortunate Thompson:

• Theft of a stuffed turtle

• Threatening a police officer with a stuffed turtle

• Unlawful possession of a stuffed turtle

• Unlicensed possession of a foreign animal, namely one stuffed turtle

• Creating a disturbance with a stuffed turtle, etc, etc

There had even been a competition in the police station to see who could invent the most original charge.

After somewhat reluctant apologies by the police, Thompson’s possessions were returned to him.  Albert was tucked under his arm, he was escorted out of the police station and sent on his way with an exhortation to "watch it in the future."

And at that stage Thompson suddenly found himself back to reality in the bus station.  Encouraged by the bus driver, he continued on his usual route to work musing about his realistic dream, still unsure whether he was fantasizing or not.

During the day Thompson re-orientated himself into the real world once more, a procedure which had become second nature to him.  That evening after work, we proceeded to the chess club and joined in the festivities.  During a break between conjuring tricks by Fingers Pearson (assisted by the lovely Belinda) and a musical interlude by the lady members, Thompson again recounted his adventures to me and illustrated them with his games with Scruffy.

As we played through and recorded the moves, which Thompson remembered perfectly even though normally he couldn’t recall his games, Jumbo Pratt wandered up and showed great interest.  On hearing a brief summary of Thompson’s dream he turned rather pale and asked us to accompany him.  With some trepidation we did this, wondering what he was up to, becoming even more nervous when he led us through the darkened galleries of the Museum.

Eventually we halted in front of a glass case in an obscure corner of a remote gallery and Jumbo fumbled for the light switch.  When the light came on Thompson jumped and clutched my arm.  Sitting in the cabinet, glaring at us with glittering eyes was a savage-looking stuffed turtle, identical, Thompson swore, to Albert.  A small card in the case said:

A fine specimen of the rare South American Snapping Turtle, presented to the Museum by the great grandson of an amateur taxidermist of exceptional talent, the late Mr Arnold Pratt.

We left the gallery in silence.  Jumbo and I went to catch the end of the musical entertainment and then look once more at those unusual games.  A shaken Thompson, unable to face any more of the celebrations, went home to explain to his wife why she had been left to dispose of numerous milk bottles.  I don’t think he mentioned his dream to her - even she wouldn’t have believed it.

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Thompson’s games against Scruffy were as follows:

Scruffy v Thompson - Game1

1.a4 e5 2.e3 d5 3.d4 Nc6 4.Bb5 Qg5 5.Nf3 Qxg2 6.Rg1 Qh3 7.Rg3 Qe6 8.Nxe5 Ne7 9.Nc3 a6 10.Nxc6 Nxc6 11.Bf1 Bd7 12.Bg2 Ne7 13.b3 O-O-O 14.Qd3 Qc6 15.e4 dxe4 16.Bxe4 Qe6 17.Re3 Qg4 18.Rg3 Qh4 19.Qf3 Bc6 20.d5 Be8 21.d6 Rxd6 22.Bxb7+ Kb8 23.Rg4 Qxh2 24.Bf4 Re6+ 25.Kd2 Qh5 26.Bxc7+ Ka7 27.Nb5+ Bxb5 28.axb5 Qxb5 29.Bxa6 Rxa6 30.Rxa6+ Qxa6 31.Rb4 Nc6 32.Qe3+ Bc5 33.Qxc5+ Ka8 34.Ra4 Qxa4 35.bxa4 Nb8 36.Qb6 Re8 37.Bxb8 Re7 38.Bd6 Rc7 39.Qxc7 f5 40.Qb8+ (1-0 )

Scruffy v Thompson - Game2

1.h4 d5 2.d4 e6 3.Bg5 Bb4+ 4.c3 Be7 5.Nd2 Bxg5 6.hxg5 Qxg5 7.Ngf3 Qf5 8.e3 Nf6 9.Ne5 Ne4 10.Nxe4 dxe4 11.Qa4+ c6 12.Nc4 O-O 13.Nb6 axb6 14.Qxa8 Nd7 15.Be2 e5 16.Qa3 exd4 17.cxd4 Nf6 18.Bc4 Qg6 19.Kf1 Rd8 20.Qe7 Rd7 21.Qe5 b5 22.Bxb5 Rd8 23.Bc4 b5 24.Bb3 Bg4 25.Rc1 Bd7 26.Qd6 Ra8 27.Rh4 Qg5 28.Qf4 Qg6 29.Rc5 h6 30.Qd6 Qh7 31.Rg5 hxg5 32.Rxh7 Kxh7 33.Bxf7 (1-0 )