I blame it all on Walden.

Not the pond, nor the essay that grew from it.

I have, in fact, often asked my students, were they to spend their time as Thoreau did, in arboreous solitude, if they could bring along but one chess book, what might be their choice?

I, for one, would unhesitatingly take Fine's Basic Chess Endings and return it, updated, to a clamoring chess world, where there is far more need for such a polished gem than yet another horrid monograph on the latest ephemeral ruse or gambit.

Not that I am beyond taking advantage of such interest in the "Well-I've-sat-down-to-play-whatever-shall-I-do-now?" mentality.  Recently, in fact, to help the Chess Club raise funds to expand its library, I had donated 20 hours of analytical time, to be auctioned off.  As expected, it sold well.

So, when young Walden (of the Club) happened to sit down to play his two-game match against the highest bidder, he was unaware that he was facing an opponent who was fully-prepared with analysis for play with both the White and the Black pieces.

That would have been nothing of consequence - love's labor well spent, I say - had I had to tutor Walden's opponent in the ways of the Catalan, or the English Opening vs. 1...e5, or even the Berlin Defense in the Spanish.

Walden, however, was a juvenile practitioner of the dark arts of the irregular, baroque and largely irrelevant chess opening - committed to the detritus constantly being swept to the side of the road along Caissa's path.

And I had found myself having to prepare an equally arcane opening and defense to face him - for Perry, the execrable PawnPusher.

Of course, Perry had been sworn to secrecy, lest anyone learn that the finely-crafted nonsense he was playing came from my own fever dreams.

“Only if I win,” he had quibbled, waggling a finger at me.  “If I lose, I will make sure that everyone will know that it was you who trashed my trash.”  At least he knew what we were dealing in.

The first game, Perry drew the white pieces, and started with his patented “Terrible Two-Step,” about which he’d written a monograph years ago (see Perry the PawnPusher). As far as I knew, the only copy that he’d ever sold had gone to Walden.

Perry-Walden, Game 1

1.e3 e5 2.e4 Nf6 3.f3

“Out of ‘The Book’ at move three,” Walden muttered, and then he sank into deep thought.  Presently, a broad smile came to his face, and he snapped off the e-pawn.

3…Nxe4

One thing was clear: Perry was playing the disparaged Damiano Defense, with the White pieces.  I skulked out of the room – for some vending machine coffee, of course.

4.fxe4 Qh4+ 5.Ke2 Qxe4+ 6.Kf2 Bc5+ 7.d4 Bxd4+ 8.Kg3

Apparently, Walden’s moves came faster and faster, as he remembered his early Reinfeld.

8…Bxb2 9.Bd3 Qd4 10.Nf3 Qb6 11.Bxb2 Qxb2 12.Nbd2

I strolled back into the room as Walden’s moves began to slow down, and Perry began hammering out his own responses.

12…d6 13.Ng5 f5 14.Qh5+ g6 15.Qh6 e4 16.Rhe1 f4+ 17.Kf2 d5

Suddenly, Perry crashed through with a sacrifice that left his opponent’s King in a deadly cross-fire.

18.Ndxe4 dxe4 19.Bxe4 Be6 20.Nxe6

Giving back material to block the file was to no avail.  The ensuing mate was not difficult for Perry to work out (although he did come close to over-stepping the time limit).

20…Nc6 21.Bxc6+ bxc6 22.Rad1 Qxc2+ 23.Kg1 Qxd1 24.Rxd1 Kf7 25.Qxf4+ Kxe6 26.Re1+ Kd7 27.Qd4+ Kc8 28.Qg4+ Kb7 29.Rb1+ Ka6 30.Qa4 mate.

I found myself – momentarily - becoming annoyed, as I saw money changing hands discretely amongst the Club members observing the game.  (I later learned that Perry had been a 10-to-1 underdog.)  However, he could now do no worse than tie the match.

The second game followed expected lines – “expected,” that is, if you had never heard of BCO, ECO, MCO, or NCO.  Walden had the white pieces. It was his chance to win, and tie the match at one game apiece. A draw would mean nothing.

Walden-Perry, Game 2

1.f4 e5 2.e4 Qf6

From Bird’s Opening to From’s Gambit to the King’s Gambit to the Nordewald Variation. Although it had cost me several fistfuls of antacids to do so, I had actually prepared Perry to play this defense.

3.Nf3 Qxf4 4.Nc3 Bb4 5.Bc4 Bxc3 6.0-0

Walden again had that far-away look on his face, indicating that this abstruse line was at least somewhat familiar to him.  White had boldly sacrificed a piece and a pawn.  Could he now break through Black’s defense?

6…Ba5 7.d4 Qxe4 8.Bxf7+

Perry mopped his brow with a handkerchief.  He pushed back the sleeves of his ratty sweater, and scratched one forearm, then the other.  The onlookers mumbled to themselves.

8…Kf8

At this, Walden swooped in for the kill.

9.Ng5 Qxd4+ 10.Qxd4 exd4 11.Bxg8+ Kxg8 12.Nf7 d5 13.Nxh8 Be6

This time, Walden scratched his head.  What had happened to his attack?  He needed a win, and he saw that an exchange for a couple of pawns wasn’t going to give it to him.  When the Knight in the corner fell, it would mean he had a Rook against two pieces – and those pawns.

14.Ng6 hxg6 15.Bf4 Bf5 16.Rac1 Bb6 17.Kh1 Nc6 18.Rfe1 Kf7

With a sigh, Walden turned over his King and extended his hand to Perry.

“Just remember your Tartakower, and you’ll do just fine,” crowed Perry, wrapping an arm around his defeated foe as they wandered off into the night, “‘Playable, therefore dubious; dubious, therefore playable.’”

I was not sure that the PawnPusher had gotten the quote quite right, but, as I congratulated myself at having survived this affair, I contemplated Alekhine’s whimsy -

“A new move?  In these days one can hardly make such a claim, for, sooner or later, some person will come forward and prove black on white that he used this move decades ago in some class C tournament or perchance in a coffeehouse game and hence demand parental recognition.  But many very promising moves are well forgotten.”