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Chess Quotations

Wit . . .

If these well-intentioned but unimaginative people would unclench their buttocks for a moment, they might find that chess offers something else to its devotees other than the quasi-religious fervor that they grasp so desperately - these "extra benefits" are relaxation, fun, and a chance to laugh at one's own stupidity. – Jeremy Silman (on readers who complain when he adds a little humor to his writing)

Here are some of the questions and answers to an examination paper in chess that was given some time ago by Siegbert Tarrasch.

Q: What is the object of playing a gambit opening?
A: To acquire a reputation of being a dashing player at the cost of losing a game.

Q: Account briefly for the popularity of the Queen Pawn Opening in matches of a serious nature.
A: Laziness.

Q: What is the duty of an umpire where a player willfully upsets the board?
A: Remove the bottle.

Q: What exceptional circumstances will justify the stopping of clocks during a tournament game?
A: Strangling a photographer.

There are a number of Yogi Berra's sayings that can apply to chess:
1. "Chess" is 90% mental, and the other half is physical.
2. "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't winning".
3. "If you can't imitate a GM, don't copy him."
4. "You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
5. "How can you play "chess", and think at the same time?"
6. "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is."
7. "If people don't want to "play chess", how are you going to stop them?"
8. "I don't want to make the wrong mistake."

I had a toothache during the first game. In the second game I had a headache. In the third game it was an attack of rheumatism. In the fourth game, I wasn't feeling well. And in the fifth game? Well, must one have to win every game? – Saviely Tartakower

I have always been a sworn enemy of draws and ruined many games by playing sharply for a win in drawn positions. In one tournament the veteran master Burn, who was a good friend of mine, offered me a draw on the twelfth move. I refused, played for a win and ended up in a completely lost position. For the fun of it, I then offered Burn a draw myself. With his eyes flashing slyly at me through his glasses, he replied frowningly: ‘Had you accepted my offer then, I would accept yours now’, upon which I resigned. – Ossip Bernstein

Am I not a chess idiot? – Ossip Bernstein (he had a quasi-legal document drawn up stating this and then had it endorsed by Lasker)

Messieurs Alekhine, do you prefer the queen on the board or on the bed? – An interviewer
It depends on the position. – Alexander Alekhine

An odor of sanctity began spreading through the tournament hall and outside too, as far as the blast furnaces spewing smoke in the distance. A few Reformed brethren, correctly assuming that the *MYSTERIUM TREMENDUM* was present in me then and there, gathered around me and asked me if this overwhelming token of Grace was not a Sign for me to return to the service of the Lord of Hosts. He, of Whom we can only speak obliquely, is my Friend, the Helper, by Whom I leap over a wall.
– Jan Hein Donner (on salvaging a win from a lost position)

I think I can safely conclude that there is not a lot to be said for playing chess while on Valium. – Tony Miles

The player who plays best in a tournament never wins first. He finishes second behind the guy with the most luck. – Saviely Tartakower

I just keep the window open. – Saviely Tartakower (on how he got any writing done during a particularly cold winter with no heat in his room)

Best play for white against the Sicilian? 1.d4! – Thomas Codispoti

A chess game is divided into three stages: the first, when you hope you have the advantage, the second when you believe you have an advantage, and the third, when you know you're going to lose! – Saviely Tartakower

There are only two kinds of moves in the opening: moves which are wrong and moves which could be wrong. – Saviely Tartakower

We don't have such dogs in the Soviet Union. – Mikhail Botvinnik (upon seeing a rare breed while on a walk with Euwe in England in 1936)
No, I suppose your people have eaten them all. – Max Euwe (this caused a rift with Botvinnik that lasted for years, but was eventually healed)

Let 'S' be the strength that a player professes, And 's' represent what in fact he possesses. From a small calculation we reach the conclusion that 'S' minus 's' must equal Illusion. – Saviely Tartakower

Playing chess is harmless, right? It's not like eating diseased pork, which could be pretty dangerous. That could lead to productive lives being totally wasted, and chess is nothing like that at all. – Alex Davies

Yes, I'm still playing chess, and no, I don't know when I'm coming to bed. – Randy Carson (and thousands of other married online chess players)

Most addicts lament about how their addictions have interfered with their lives. We lament about how our lives have interfered with our chess. – Michael Walsh

Real life is just a crutch for those too weak to fianchetto a bishop! – Absinthe

There IS chess in heaven. Your chess knowledge is one of the few things you can take with you. Do you want to start eternity playing as a patzer, or playing good chess? Or even worse - what if you end up somewhere else when you die, and you still end up playing chess, but cannot improve. Then you spend an eternity as a patzer, always falling for the same old tricks. Soon, your forehead becomes calloused from the many times you slap it and say, "I can't believe I fell for that again!" – Alabama Jones

All chess players should have a hobby. – Saviely Tartakower

Chess is like marriage. You cannot have a mate without a check. – Brian Wood

Any married man will tell you that life is like a game of chess - everything is centered around the queen. – Ilya Katsnelson

Alas, barely a tempo. – C. H. O. D. Alexander (in reply to being asked if he was a knight after receiving the Order of the British Empire)

The chess world's percentage structure: one master, two chess journalists, 3 young eager talents and 100 understanding commentators. – Saviely Tartakower

Organizing chess players is about like trying to herd cats. – Bob Kraemer

An amateur who played a weak enough game to enable him to conduct an important chess column. – Aaron Nimzowitsch (describing a lesser player)

Chess players never die. They just lose their mates. – Bill Wall

Don't eat beans and bananas before a chess match. – Bill Wall

Yes, but he is threatening to smoke, and any fool knows that the threat is more powerful than the execution. – Aaron Nimzowitsch (reply to the tournament director's assurance that Nimzowitsch's opponent, who had laid an unlit cigar on the table next to the board, was not smoking)

When I was a heavy smoker I would get upset when I lost a game. Now that I no longer smoke, I get very upset when I lose a game. – Anatoly Lein

In correspondence chess you can smoke during the game. – John Knudsen

O'Sullivan's play was rather worse than his score. – Harry Golombek (about a tournament where O'Sullivan scored ½ out of 13)

We have no Grandmasters weaker than Raymond Keene. – An anonymous Soviet Grandmaster

During an international tournament, time often passes at the rate of dog years - one week with grandmasters can seem like seven weeks with other people. – Andrew Soltis

Masters? Masters are sh*theads! – Source Unknown Grandmaster at the 1974 Ft. Wayne Open

I've really been crushing testicles these last few rounds. – Nigel Short

I'm going to give him a good rogering. – Nigel Short

Who says chess isn't a violent game? You make one slip sometimes, and you get the bat inserted post haste, splinters and all. – Kelly Atkins

The Platovs have been called fathers of the modern endgame study. Perhaps the term ‘brothers of the modern endgame study’ is being reserved for a later generation of study composers from Harlem. – Jonathan Levitt

The endgame is the most important, because if you get a winning advantage and you can't turn it into a win… well that SUCKS! – Anthony George

If even a bad plan is better than no plan, does that mean that even a poor excuse is better than none? – Duif

The average player enjoys studying masters' blunders in much the same frame of mind as someone observing the apes and monkeys in a zoo - he sees something of himself, but in a context which he finds reassuring, rather than painful. – Bruce Moon

The Sufferer:
He agonizes rather than analyzes.
"How did I fail to win this?" he asks anyone within earshot.
"What's wrong with me?"
The Sufferer is a spiritual descendant of Aaron Nimzowitsch, who after one game is alleged to have exclaimed,
"How can I lose to this idiot?"
– Andy Soltis (part of an article about personality types associated with post-game analysis)

Analysis: irrefutable proof that you could have won a game that you lost. – Samuel Boden

Analysis is the best proof that you could have won a game which you have already lost. – Eliott Hearst

As long as you don’t play "bullet", both chess and sex are good, but chess lasts longer. – Chris Depasquale

It's not blitz, it's "en prise, sil vous plez." – Steve Fesperman

Analyzing blitz is like eating popcorn for nutritional content. – Raymond Stonkus

If when you play chess with a fellow Human, you find you have no anxiety, no chest pains, no sweaty brow, no uncontrollable shaking hands, give up…you’re not enjoying it! – Trevor English

First I will take your pawn, then the rook and your king, then your car, your wife and your job, and where will you be then, me boy? Checkmate! – Dialogue of skittles chess players, overheard in a gambling dive

Never resign. There's always a chance your opponent may drop dead before he mates you. – Al Horowitz

Castle, take en passant, promote pawns to minor pieces whenever you can. It helps to create the impression that you have a deep knowledge. – Al Horowitz

How does the horsey move again? – Bruce Moon

The Oedipus variation ... sacrificing the king to win the queen. – Jan Jotun

Bad Bishop: one that is trapped behind his own pawns. OTOH, sometimes that Bishop isn't bad, he's just a little misunderstood. – Raymond Stonkus

See a pawn and pick it up and all the game you'll have good luck. – Dan Heisman

It always startles me when a monkey at a typewriter punches "To be, or not to be." Especially, when I'm the monkey. – Jason Varsoke (commenting on one of his own games)

Playing through a poorly played game is like watching a train wreck - you know it's going to be horrendous, but there is a certain fascination in watching it unfold. – Bruce Moon

Adequate compensation for a sacrifice is having a sound combination leading to a winning position; adequate compensation for a blunder is having your opponent snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. – Bruce Moon

If you lose a piece on your side of the board, it is called a blunder, but if you lose a piece on your opponent's side of the board, you can call it a sacrifice. – Michael Anthony

In its highest form, chess becomes sublime, magniloquent poetry (such as Marshall's "golden shower" move against Levitsky in 1912); at its nadir a showcase of the most hopeless dreck (any game of mine will do!). – Bruce Moon

Saw it, went home. – Curt von Bardeleben (note left for Steinitz, who was away from the board, referring to the winning combination that Steinitz had)

Have you ever seen a monkey examining a watch? – Wilhelm Steinitz (responding with impatience to an inquirer)

Positional chess was founded by the World Champion, Wilhelm Steinitz, who found that by retreating all his pieces to the back rank, he could still induce his opponents to try and capture them. – Dan Heisman

Three early non-World Champions should be mentioned: Dr. Siegbert Tarrasch, who assimilated the theories of Morphy, Steinitz, and Lasker into one big theory that enabled him to lose his World Championship match; Aaron Nimzowitsch, whose brilliant, eccentric, and original ideas placed him among the average grandmasters of his day; and Richard Reti, who found the theory of letting your opponent mess up his center first, a very useful one. – Dan Heisman

Emmanuel Lasker used psychology to discover that if he made blunders, his opponents would be so overjoyed that they would promptly make bigger ones. However, he could only keep this up for 27 years, and by then his opponents began to get wise. – Dan Heisman

Kasparov said he was winning because Karpov was only ahead 5-3. Karpov, from his hospital bed, protested that he felt fine and wanted to continue, but they were not letting him. – Dan Heisman (on the first Kasparov – Karpov WCC match)

I know what you're thinking. "Did he play six combinations or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as I've been studying Tal, the most powerful attacking player in the world, and would blow your pieces clean off the board, you've got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya punk? – Dirty Misha

I not only lost my shirt at this tournament, but I left my coat as well. – Anonymous (on why he returned to the tournament hall after losing 3 straight games to lower rated players)

It seems like I am losing more money at chess than I am making in stealing. – Viennese coffeehouse player

What went wrong with your plan?
He didn't follow it! – Anonymous player (during the post mortem after a Korchnoi simul)

Don't speak to me of Polgars. Don't mention Vera M.
(I really don't play very much like any one of them.)
Don't talk to me of hormones, or math and science scores
I've heard the line from Darwin and the one from Freud on wars.
I'm just another player, with another game to play;
the round's in seven minutes and I haven't time to stay.
So ask me out to dinner, and maybe I'll say, 'Yes'...
but please don't ask me anymore why women don't play chess!
– Robin Jackson (from Biological Clock)

Most commentaries in chess magazines and books are superficial and sometimes just awful. Once a certain experienced master explained to me how he worked. You put two fingers to the page with text on it and see that there are only moves under them - in other words, it is time to make a comment. You write something like "The Ruy Lopez always leads to a tense, complicated struggle" - and your fee goes up by a ruble. – Mark Dvoretsky

Have you ever seen a chess article without a brilliant example of the author's own play? 'Silly question,' you will say. Quite. – Yuri Razuvayev

We don't really know how the game was invented, though there are suspicions. As soon as we discover the culprits, we'll let you know. – Bruce Pandolfini

Simply keep playing and having fun – that’s the best way to learn. But if you find that occasionally you get stale, and need to do something different, it seems natural to change the mood by putting on a little Hendrix. Just move over, Rover, and let Jimi take over. – Bruce Pandolfini

J'adoube: an expression denoting an unwillingness to move the piece touched. – William Hartston

Why would one play chess? The steady pursuit of the game will inevitably make you selfish, cunning, conceited, vindictive and round-shouldered. If you prefer a lonely life, practice on the trombone as being more effective. And there are many other good reasons not to play chess. – Emanuel Lasker

What's this? Are you teaching the poor thing to play chess? Fie, for shame! Why not have him drink hard liquor or take him off to a brothel, while you're at it! – Jan Hein Donner (on teaching chess to a child)

I saw fear in his eyes. – Timour Radjabov (on Kasparov, who was presenting the 11 year old a trophy)

I don’t think like a tree - do you think like a tree? – Anatoly Lein

When the irresistible tactician meets the immovable strategist, the strategist better be wearing a seat belt. – Chris Champion

There were only two cockroaches in our room. – Peter Svidler (on conditions at a tournament)

I had always thought that Europe extended from the Urals in the East to the urinals in the West, though these days it has become normal for this to include the whole of Russia, perhaps even all the former Soviet Union, and Israel (which chess-wise is pretty much a former Soviet republic anyway). However it seems that anyone who has ever tried paella is now qualified to represent Spain and therefore Europe. – Tony Miles

You will spend the next 30 years of your life living out of suitcases and fighting for control of the d5 square. – Nigel Davies (on being a chess professional)

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing. – Source Unknown

A chess player's dream is to be able to play any tournaments he wants, and make money on his cellular phone in-between. – David Norwood

It seems to me that you haven’t quite achieved the manic, off-the-wall style of humor that Informator manages so well, but you run them a pretty good second. – Stephen Fry (speaking of Kingpin magazine)

Although I've dabbled just a touch with variants from time to time, I've always stuck with the real deal. I figure, until I master it, I haven't any business fooling around with other women. Chess is a jealous mistress! – David Surratt

Chess and vodka are born brothers. – Russian proverb

The state against vodka? I'll be on the side of vodka. – Mikhail Tal (on being told that the Soviet authorities were launching a campaign against alcoholism)

How to Build a Boat! – John Nunn (on what book he'd want to have with him if stranded on a desert island)

One has to be extraordinarily handsome! – Yasser Seirawan (on what it takes to rise to the top in chess)

Chicks don't love me anymore. If girls are interested in me, they are probably after superficial things, like my opening knowledge, my Modern Benonis. I don't think people appreciate the inner depths of my personality. – David Norwood

What do you expect from an unrated player? – Florencio Campomanes (on Kasparov's touch-move controversy against Polgar at Linares '94. Kasparov had been recently removed from FIDE's rating lists.)

We have Karpov and Polgar suing FIDE for the return of their world titles, Shirov suing Garry and Rentero for his aborted match, and now Braingames allegedly threatening to sue Kramnik. We could end up with the worst possible scenario for chess: a lawyer ending up as world champion! – John Henderson

Grischuk, proving himself a fast learner, immediately demanded a recount of his 2.5-1.5 defeat by Shirov. – Mig Greengard

First he loses to a computer, now to a human protégé. Next stop: Washington Square. – Newsweek Magazine (on Kasparov)

Yip, it may be cold this time of the year in the little Dutch seaside resort that has become a chess Mecca, but, unlike nasty Raymundo Keene and his censorship thugs at the Brain Games match, you at least know here that they’ll be a genuine warmth shown by the organizers to the press – not only that, unlike Brain Games, they really, really, really know how to organize a chess tournament! Besides, it’s too cold in Wijk to be thrown out! – John Henderson

In Wijk they play chess 365 days a year, your wife not only allows you to visit the chess club but also comes with you, you find chess sets in all the cafés and bars, and, in place of the Gideon Bible, your hotel will happily replace it with the latest Informator. Yes, it’s a sort of chess equivalent of Shangri-la - only colder. Much, much colder. – John Henderson

With the latest rating list just published prior to Wijk, it came as some surprise to find Kasparov’s rating had not budged from his high of 2849 with no games played in the last six months. Funny, I can distinctly remember him losing heavily to Kramnik. Maybe the Brain Games match was just a bad Kasparov dream like that one Pam Ewing had in the cult series Dallas. You know, where, two years after the producers killed off good old Bobby, they had to bring him back to revive the show by explaining away his absence to one of Pam’s very long dreams. – John Henderson

In round eight, Alexei Shirov once again played Napoleon to Kasparov’s Wellington, Tina to Kasparov’s Ike. – Mig Greengard (on Linares 2001)

It seemed like old times - almost Wijk aan Riverside. Kasparov vs. Kramnik, a Berlin Defence, and inevitably another draw. All I needed was Raymundo and Knuckles to be on hand to throw me out. – John Henderson

However, if the Kasparov performance over the board didn’t make you feel moist down below, the press conference after the game certainly did - the Garry we all love and know was back in business! He was so high, we practically had to bring him down off the ceiling and seriously consider administering one of those FIDE drug tests. Luckily for us, top FIDE official Willy Iclicki was on hand today in the press room, and was ready and willing in his official capacity as FIDE “Piss-taker General” to carry one out, if we could find enough volunteers to hold the beast down! – John Henderson (on Kasparov ranting at a press conference in Wijk aan Zee in 2001 after a win over Shirov)

It was uglier than one of those little pug-faced dogs after being run over by a Ford Falcon driven by a gorilla with a harelip. – Mig Greengard (on a technical problem with an online tournament hosted by KasparovChess.com)

Every time I agree with Garry Kasparov I get a few cranks accusing me of having sold my opinion, since I work for KasparovChess.com. Since these same people are silent when I disagree with The Boss, I'm hesitant to criticize Salov for saying things that coincide with the views of FIDE, his employer. In the holiday spirit of acceptance and understanding, I'm perfectly willing to instead believe that many of his statements in these interviews involve a simple medication mix-up at the pharmacy. – Mig Greengard

Find some really weak players and crush the life from them. No, really. It will make you feel better almost immediately! Be merciless. Take their hanging pieces, employ the fool’s mate, hack, maim, destroy. I’m not talking about taking no prisoners, I’m talking about taking prisoners and then forcing them to listen to Britney Spears albums over and over. – Mig Greengard

The plankton is eaten by the little fish, the little fish is eaten by the big fish, the big fish is eaten by the dolphin, the dolphin is scooped up in a big net, chopped up into little pieces, put into cans of tuna, mixed with mayonnaise and made into tasty little sandwiches. Such is the cycle of life, and it finds a parallel over the chessboard. The beginners are the plankton and are recognizable by their many little legs, transparent carapaces, and shiny new chess pieces. The club players are the little fish, distinguished by the way they swim around in large, unruly schools. The masters are the big fish and are easily detected by their sharp teeth and strong smell. The IMs and GMs are the dolphins who feed on everything and go "Eeek! Eeek! Eeek!" when they are winning. Then we have the super GMs who play the role of the diner in a posh café wiping the mayo off his chin and washing his sandwich down with a fine Sauvignon Blanc. – Mig Greengard

Those of you who spent a large portion of your time in high school imagining what the cute members of your math class looked like naked will be particularly good at this. – Mig Greengard (on playing over entire games without a board or diagrams)

Do we really remember anything Dvoretsky, Nunn, and Pandolfini have to say while we’re actually playing? Hell, I’m lucky to remember how to spell Dvoretsky, let alone recall the “rule of eighteen weaknesses” until I already have seventeen in my position. – Mig Greengard

In chess openings, as in most things, today's order of the day is tomorrow's leftovers, which get thrown to the trash, which in turn are eaten by worms, which make nitrates eaten by plants that are eaten by cows, which then become the order of the day. The only question you really gotta ask yourself punk, is "Do you want fries with that?" – Jason Varsoke

It is quite a good idea to give your favorite opening a ridiculous name, because if someone does lose to it then they have to admit not only that they lost, but that they did so to the "Monkey's Bum", "Toilet Variation", "Barry Attack" or whatever, thereby compounding their misery and making them even more apprehensive about the next game. – John Nunn

The word "obvious" in analysis is a good sign that the author is a GM and very happy with his immense brain. – Mig Greengard

Prudent commentators would say `unclear', which in plain English means `it would take me a long time to work out what is happening'. Thus `very unclear' means that it would take a `very long time'. – Nigel Davies

When the spectators make too much noise, the solution is earplugs. If your roommate snores, earplugs are the answer. Had Bobby Fischer thought of buying a pair he might have withdrawn from fewer tournaments and become World Champion several years sooner. One can only guess at the massive innate advantage possessed by the deaf World Champion Tigran Petrosian, who simply turned off his hearing aid if the noise level rose too high. – Nigel Davies

I'm not impressed by the output by Graham Burgess. I'm convinced that there are two Graham Burgess, neither of which ever sleeps or has any vacation! – John Watson

Apparently, in the game in question, Nigel swapped all the pieces off and Kasparov had no choice but to take the draw.
– Gary Lane (on how it was possible for Kasparov to have a 15.5 - .5 score against Short since their WCC match)

Damn! No sooner had I a good hand, it looks like the plane is going to crash! – Lev Polugaevsky (on a card game that was interrupted due to an emergency landing)

Pal Benko, who suspected me of hypnotizing him, took out of his pocket a pair of dark glasses and put them on. This innovation was met by a counter-stroke - I borrowed some enormous dark glasses from Petrosian, and following Benko, put them on. – Mikhail Tal

He probably has not overlooked me at all. No, he has omitted me on purpose. What is more, I have the distinct impression that he has only given his views in order not to mention me! How dare he, the little brat! – Jan Hein Donner (on being omitted from Fischer's list of the 10 greatest chess players of all time)

Everybody and her sister is upset because of my so-called "negativity". So what do I care? Let me remind you people that this is not a commercial website, I am not trying to "make friends" here, I am not trying to sell you anything - so I can be the genuine a**hole I'm proud to be. I can go around attacking people of the chess world - and occasionally outside of it - and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't like it? Go somewhere else. Go visit the Chess Superstore and buy a Karpov video. Or a Krush swimsuit video. – Alex Yermolinsky

I should add that in a time when organizers are becoming very rare, the Internet chess is a perfect solution; no more organizers needed! I would still prefer to play Garry face-to-face though, if only to see the smoke coming out of his ears. – Joel Lautier

Name That Square:
- h7 = Graveyard of Bishops
- c7 = Here be Forkers
- f5 = Spanish Knightstand
- d5 = Isolania
- f7 = Learning Center or YMCA (=Young Men's Chess Academy)
- g2 (With permanently locked pawns on e4/e5)= Fiansh*tto
- h3 = Luft-O-Matic
- b2 = Testament
– Mr. Mip

Yes! Tarzan does not play chess, but Bobby knows that if Tarzan did play chess, he would beat Cheetah! – Mikhail Tal

It has been said that man is distinguished from animal in that he buys more books than he can read. I should like to suggest that the inclusion of a few chess books would help to make the distinction unmistakable. – Edward Lasker

Lord, keep us safe from weak back ranks, and smothered mates. Amen. – Evan Kreider

Most men watch a woman walk down the street and wonder how good she is in bed; I wonder how many chess books she has, and if there are any among them I don't already have myself. – David Surratt

I find that chess is very useful when traveling alone in Turkey. Take yourself to the nearest teahouse. Order a glass of tea, and another of Raki, and set up a chess problem. Within seconds Turks will appear. They won't play chess with you, but it starts a conversation. "I did this once and someone asked, "Can I practice my English with you?" His first question was: "How many princesses have you slept with?" So now you see the point of chess. – Bryan Sewell

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